Kathy Backman

Kathy Backman

Kathy Backman

Despair, Depression and Suicide

The crisis was over. It took three years for me to declare it. Within that time, by the grace of God, I uncovered and recovered from lost memories of abuse I had endured and survived, at the hands of a criminal predator when I was a child. The perpetrator from my past was found guilty and sentenced to 18 years in the State Prison, of similar crimes after I turned him in to authorities. I was 26 years old at the time. My heart was healed and my life as a wife and mother seemed restored by the help of a Christian counselor, family and friends.

But residue from the crisis lingered in my thoughts and prayers. Instead of gratitude for God’s constant presence and comfort that strengthened my faith, I was bitter and ashamed about what happened. I allowed the pains of the past and circumstances surrounding the crisis define me. I held on to the sadness of the events. And I believed the lie that I was odd, damaged, and a misfit in the world of Christian Women because of the horrible things I saw and experienced when I was a child. And the most persuasive lie was believing that I failed in my role as a wife and mother.

The moment came quickly when I succumbed to melancholy. It was after I acknowledged a better future was out of my reach and my family would be better off without me. I planned and prepared to take my own life. The kids were at a babysitters, my husband was working out of town and I was traveling to where I decided to write my goodbye letter. I said a prayer when God reached down and around me and opened my eyes to a different perspective—through his eyes. He struck down the lies I was in bondage to and gave me a visual truth that rescued me from suicide, depression, and despair.